pudge.

Does anyone remember the movie Shag? It's from 1989, when I was 3, but when I was older I would watch it on VHS nonstop. I wanted to be Pudge so bad. I never thought she was fat, but everyone around her thought she was chubby. She was so insecure until she found the right guy to Shag with.
Man, I just loved that movie.

Now, I haven't seen that movie in a few years (which is a real shame, to be honest) but I still use the word "pudge" quite often. Today, when I was looking in the mirror, I found my pudge. My stomach from below my boobs to mid belly is flat, and then there's a damn pudge!
This has to go.  It just simply is not welcome here anymore.
I'm really looking forward to being back in the gym and working on my fitness.
Oh, also, does anyone watch Total Divas on the E! channel? I'm obsessed with that show. I never thought I'd like it because, let's be honest, I don't like the WWE. But this is more about the lives of these girls, and there is one girl in particular who I am using as my fitness goal. She's FREAKING gorgeous and I feel like we would be BFF's in real life. This girl, Eva Marie:

Okay, now am I ever going to look like that? Maybe not. But I'm damn sure going to try! I can't even help but say it:  that girl is just hot! I totally can appreciate another beautiful woman, and I even really like her fire red hair!
So I got Ben to take my picture, because I thought what better time for an updated progress picture?
Starting Advocare, getting back in the gym, and eating clean is making me feel great. So I'm going to keep tracking my progress as I go. And try to get rid of that freaking pudge...  *wink*

SW: 311 CW: 207.5 -103.5 GW: 150 57.5 to go

one workout DVD & two cans of squash.

shirt from Reebok

Lately, I've been really upset about the fact that I can't find time to go to the gym.  Last night, I went to the grocery store, came home and unloaded groceries, and then hit the gym for a Body Flow class at 7:30.  By the time I got home and food prepped for this week, it was almost 9:30!  I still had to shower and by that time there was no way I was going to get any school work done.  This also applies to vice versa situations-  if I come straight home and do school work, then I don't feel motivated to go back out late at night and workout/I miss all the good classes at the gym. SO.  I decided that, come hell or high water, I was going to make time for both.  I came home tonight and dug out all my old work out DVD's.  I ended up with a Jillian Michael's 30 Minute DVD that kicked my butt!  It felt so good to get my body moving, sweating and breathing hard again.  And I didn't even have to change clothes or get in the car.   #timemanagementsuccess  Unfortunately for me, I don't have any weights to workout with and I had never done this DVD before so I was super unprepared.  So I grabbed the first thing I could find for a little extra resistance and it just so happened to be two cans of squash.  I'm not even kidding.  You gotta make it work, people!

I've also been food prepping like a boss lately with fresh deli turkey, garlic hummus, strawberries and grapes, celery and peanut butter, and I even let chicken and broccoli cook in the crock pot over night last night.  I also discovered through an unfortunate bout of embarrassing gas, bloating and constipation that I am lactose intolerant.  So I bought some almond milk, some muscle milk powder, and a blender bottle and decided to make my own tasty smoothies every morning instead of going through Dunkin for their coffee.  And I have to say, I don't really miss it that much.  

I also have been talking about reach my goal of being under 200 for several weeks now and this week I am BOUND AND DETERMINED to get under 200.  It has to happen people.  It is time and I'm going to make it happen.  I was so tempted at work the other day to go find anything sweet and shove it in my mouth, but I stayed strong and didn't.  Old habits die hard, even after all this time, so I am really working on building my will power back up to where it was right after surgery.  Once life starts getting back to normal it can be difficult, but I'm definitely not giving up the fight!   Lastly, I figured I would share the latest progress pictures with you.  Even though I am 206.5, I can definitely tell that I am still losing inches.  When I put these pictures side by side, I couldn't believe how skinny my face looked!  It is still the wildest feeling ever. 

One-derland, here I come!!

Hope you all are having a great week so far! We are halfway there!

warning: bikini pictures ahead

Memorial Day, I have to say, was pretty dang fun.  We woke up early, packed up all our pool goodies, cooler and snacks included, and headed over to my cousin's house to get ready for a day of fun in the sun and a cookout.

The pool was amazing.  It wasn't too hot, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, it was breezy and the water was phenomenal.  We couldn't have asked for a better day.  To recap quickly, it was a wonderful day and I'm exhausted.  But I wanted to stop in and make sure that I kept my word on posting something I had mentioned previously.

Let me rewind a few weeks back.  Before we went to the beach, I got Spring cleaning fever and threw out every single last bathing suit I've ever owned except the two piece top and bottom bikini I had recently purchased.  I didn't take a picture at the beach because we were so busy having fun that I truly forgot.

I had this preconceived notion that wearing my bathing suit at the beach would be more comfortable than wearing it at the neighborhood pool.  Let's face it:  no one really knows me at either place, but still.  It turned out to be the exact opposite.  I felt self conscious at the beach and today at the pool I felt really great.  My fiance and my family kept telling me how great I looked and how I just looked like such a different person.  And I have to be honest, wearing the bikini made me feel like a new person.  I haven't worn a true two piece since I was 13!  THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, PEOPLE!

This blog is such an outlet for me and I have received nothing but kind words, support and encouragement.  But I want and need to be honest:

posting this picture is terrifying.

my body is not where I want it to be.

but it is still 105.5 pounds smaller.

so.  without further adieu.  

I could sit here and list everything I see wrong in that picture, but I'm not going to.  

I see a woman, who made a life changing decision to be healthier, and who is 105.5 pounds smaller.
And I feel beautiful.  

Just to put things in perspective:

I haven't looked at that picture on the left in a long time, and I am so glad that I put those two pictures side by side.  I had forgotten how far I've come and I'm so glad that I've taken pictures to document my progress along this journey.  I mean, what a difference... 

Hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day!
I know I'm so thankful for those who have fought and died for all of our freedom in this country.

Tonight we are double dating with my cousins at the Journey & Steve Miller Band concert.

I love both these bands, so I'm pretty excited!

all my love, always.

100 pounds gone forever.

"You never know what's around the corner.  It could be everything.  Or it could be nothing.  You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain."  -Tom Hiddleston

I've thought long and hard about how I would write this post.  From the moment I hit my 75 pound lost mark, I constantly thought about getting to my next milestone and how I would feel when I got there.  

Well, that moment came yesterday.  I woke up, got on the scale, and it said "210.5."  So I stepped off the scale, looked around for a minute and then moved the scale to a different place on the bathroom floor.  Still 210.5. 

 For those of you who are new around here, my starting weight was 311. 

I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST 100.5 POUNDS IN EXACTLY EIGHT MONTHS AND FOUR DAYS.

As my luck would have it, Ben is out of town for business and I had no one to take my "100 pounds lost" picture to put next to my starting weight picture.  I will get him to do that as soon as he walks in the door at the end of the week.  

I just want to be honest for a minute:  I'm in shock.  I know how hard I've worked for this, and I know how hard I've struggled with moments of weakness.  There have been times when I thought that scale would never move again, like when I was stuck at 224 for a month.  There have been times of frustration and sadness, times when I felt as though no one in this world knew how I felt.  Albeit those moments haven't happened for several months now, I've definitely had them.  There have been times when I shoved a Twix in my mouth and ate it shamefully, then felt like complete crap afterwards.  (Both mentally and physically... the sugar isn't so good for the pouch.)  There have been times when I've lacked the motivation to go to the gym and other times when I felt as though I had become a true gym rat. 

I've experienced so much in the past eight months.  But I can tell you, with 100% absolute certainty, that I have never, not for one minute missed my old life.  I have never missed driving through McDonalds and loading up on food I knew I shouldn't have.  I have never missed the days when the scale went up and up and up and I would think, "oh it's okay, as long as I don't get to ______ lbs then I'm fine."  I always exceeded those personally set limits of mine.  I have never missed being uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling ugly and like I wasn't worth anything.  I have never missed clothes not fitting me and having nothing nice to wear to events we would go to.  

I.DON'T.MISS.IT.  

I keep trying to find a way to celebrate losing 100 pounds, but I think the best way to celebrate is to just keep going.  We are going to the beach in two and a half weeks and I feel like that's ample time for me to get below 200 pounds.  I think my mark of losing 100 pounds is so close to being under 200, that I really can't get emotional until I'm in the 100-somethings.  Even if it is 199.  I thought I would cry and be so emotional about losing 100 pounds, but I just feel this overwhelming sense of pride and joy.  Sometimes, I look at old pictures and don't recognize myself.  It's difficult to see how I had let myself become that big, that overweight, that unhappy.  But it's gratifying and surreal to see the person that I've become.  

And I'm so, so incredibly happy and proud of that.  

One last thing before I go... 

THANK YOU.

All of you.

I have received countless emails, calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc... Some from friends, some from bloggers, some from complete strangers, all telling me what an inspiration I am to them.  The support and encouragement I've received from all of you mean the absolute world to me.  There are truly no words to say how thankful and blessed I am to have you all, and to have this blog as a platform to reach out to others.  Helping people is something that I'm passionate about, so seeing this blog reach so many people and have them in turn reach out to me... well, that truly makes this whole crazy journey of mine well worth it.

all my love, always.

-M

SW:  311

CW: 210.5

-100.5

not a size 10 or a size 4, but I did get new tennis shoes...

• Polar Watch $57.99 Best Buy (I didn't like the pink one, so I just got the one "for men."  I honestly didn't see a difference and this one was about $30 cheaper.)
• Nike Flyknight Lunar1+ Turquoise $160.00 Dick's Sporting Goods (purchased from Lady Foot Locker)
• Workout Tanks $16.99/each Old Navy (I bought those two in the store and then bought two others from the website)
• Sports Bras $10/each Old Navy
• "Pardon My French" tee $14 on clearance Lane Bryant (super cute and comfy for working out!)

So I got my tax return back on Friday and needless to say, I went a little crazy buying new workout gear.  I am officially that girl who is obsessed with workout clothing.  Which, I guess there could be worse things to be obsessed over, right?

Let me rewind a little.  I went Saturday morning with my cousins and maid of honor to let them pick out their bridesmaid dresses.  I just so happened to ask the bridal shop owner about the sizes of their dresses, explaining that I had gone through weight loss surgery and wasn't sure what "size" I was.  She said that their dresses are around a size 10.  Ok, well that didn't sound so bad.  I know I'm not a size 10 by any means, but I still felt good about the prospect of trying dresses on.  UNTIL SHE SAID:  "A size 10 in a wedding dress is really a size 4 in normal sizes."

uuuhhhhmmmmm

[insert major panic attack here]

I'm serious.  I had a major, massive panic attack all the way back to my cousin's house, which is a significantly long drive from the bridal boutique.  A SIZE 4?!  I mean honestly... I've come a long way, but that's a little ridiculous.  I just can't even.  So that's when I decided that more workout gear, new tennis shoes and a polar watch were in order to really step up my game.  I also panicked a little when she said it takes about 5 months to order the gowns and get them in.  And with the unavoidable aspect of having mine altered, I needed to have my dress ordered like, 3 weeks ago.  So I'm really, really panicking.

How am I supposed to know if I like a dress if I can't fit into the damn thing?  It's a crazy feeling that I'm feeling right now.  I'm going to spend my lunch break tomorrow calling local bridal shops and making appointments for my mom and maid of honor to get going on dress shopping.

I did take a picture in my workout gear, and I feel like I'm losing more inches and gaining more muscle than losing pounds at this point, so here is the latest comparison picture.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

life & progress & tears

Things have been going well lately!  It hasn't been that long since I updated and I am happy to say that the scale has gone down once more!

general

I've been feeling really great lately!  I have a lot of energy, going up and down stairs is easier, my knee doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to and I feel that my overall health is in good condition.  I didn't have my three month checkup with my surgeon because, quite frankly, life has been busy.  Like, super busy.  I'm in school full time online and it takes up several hours of my time every night.  Don't get me wrong, I love it!  I'm so excited that I'm in classes that are Education based and not taking pilly-dilly pre-requisite classes.  Also, working full time and going to the gym take up a good bit of time.  I am happy, I'm loving life, I feel so healthy and happy!

progress

Working out with Gene The Personal Trainer has been going great!  Ben was out of town last week, it was my first week of major based classes (hence the busy schedule) and I didn't work out because I was feeling pretty under the weather.  I hadn't really thought about getting on the scale since I just did not too long ago, but something crazy  happened this morning.  I woke up, stretched, and I could feel my ribs.  Not just feel them, but they were jutting out and I could feel them.  It doesn't sound like much, but I just knew that I was smaller.  So I went to get on the scale and weigh myself:  minus 68.5.  I had to get off the scale and get back on just to make sure.

Looking at that, I almost can't believe my eyes myself.  I've been working hard and it's been paying off!  I still have such a long way to go, but hopefully by my birthday I will be into the one-hundred-something category and can start looking for wedding dresses!

tears

So many times I've heard the doctor and other gastric bypass patient's say that my hair will eventually start falling out, specifically around the 3-month mark.  Around 12 weeks I started noticing some shedding a little more than normal.  The past two weeks it has been coming out in clumps at an alarming rate.  I took a shower this morning and more hair came out in the shower than ever before.  Then, when I was blow drying my hair, I would have to stop and clean my brush every couple of minutes because it was just full of hair.  When I finished blow drying my hair, there was just hair EVERY where.  I started feeling my hair and my scalp and it felt so thin.  I've always had thick hair, so it was really upsetting!  I don't want to be so vain, but I started crying to Ben about how thin my hair felt.  He assured me that it looked and felt thick, ha!  So after we had lunch, we ventured out into the freezing (literally) cold weather so I could stock up on more vitamins.

Let me just tell you, those vitamins are BIG.  They suck, basically.  The chewables I had to take for the first three months after surgery were a million times worse, so I'm not really complaining.  But anyone who takes a multi-vitamin obviously knows that they are huge horse pills.  The calcium are also huge and have a funky taste to them.  By the way, I have to specifically take Calcium Citrate and it is like THE hardest thing to find in the stores.  I had to look on the vitamin shelf in CVS for almost 20 minutes.  Totally uncalled for.  I don't know what the difference is between Calcium (aka calcium carbonate) and Calcium Citrate, but they are in two completely opposite places in the vitamin section.  Totally stupid. And the Biotin, obviously, is for my crazy hair loss.

Overall, everything is great!  I'm looking forward to Christmas and NYE in Nashville!  But I'm sure I'll talk to y'all again before that.  If not, Merry Christmas!

SW:  311

CW:  242.5

-68.5 lbs

drop it like it's (not) hot.

Well hey there, how y'all doin!  (sometimes, in real life, I say that.  out loud.)

It's been a little bit since I've updated on my progress because, well... I hadn't really had any.  In all honesty,  I wasn't eating the best stuff.  It was still healthy, it was just more carbs than I should've been.  I tried like, 1/4 of a bagel one day and everything was fine, so I convinced myself I was all clear to have bread.  Aaaand wrong again.  The first time I had bread was at Subway on a freaking delicious sandwich.  It was like all my dreams had come true.  Okay well when we got home, I went into a straight up carb coma.  I couldn't stay awake to save my life!  So yeah, I guess the doctor wasn't lying when he said no bread ever.

The second time I thought I was ok to have bread was this past weekend at Ben's parents house.  My future mother in law made this delicious dinner with veggies and all kinds of healthy stuff.  So I figured having one tiny roll would be okay.  Nope.  Carb coma in full effect right on my future mother in law's couch.  For like two hours.  So needless to say:  LESSON LEARNED.  Which sucks because I luh-huh-huh-hoooooooooove bread.  Just another adjustment I will need to make.

I've also been promising a progress picture in my last couple of posts, so in case you missed it on Facebook, Twitter or IG, here is my latest progress picture.

 

I never, in a million trillion years, thought I would ever share my weight with people.  Ben, the one I am going to share the rest of my life with, never knew my weight until after surgery.  I was so ashamed.  And I could look at this picture all day long and still never figure out how it got to that point.  I mean, I KNOW how it got to that point because I was eating and sitting on the couch, but I just never saw myself as that size in the mirror.  But, those days are over now.  And actually, since I took this picture, I've lost 5.5 more pounds, so yay me.

 

Another venture I am taking on (along with work and school and wedding planning) is working with a personal trainer.  I kind of felt like Sami when I signed up for the personal trainer last night.  Like, what did I just get myself into?  It all started when I went to the gym like a good girl for basically every day in September.  Brett, the fitness manager at Gold's, emailed me and said he wanted to give me a free session as a thank you for being a dedicated member.  I've been interested in having a PT for a while, so I said why not.  Let me tell you... I went last night and he kicked my ASS.  My legs and arms are so sore today... I love it!  I was sweating and really feeling like I was moving and changing my body.  So I signed up for 3 months of personal training with some guy named Gene.  Apparently, Brett the fitness manager is super expensive and way out of my personal budget.  But I really liked him, told him I wanted someone to push me and kick my butt into a fantastic body, and he said Gene was my guy.  So tomorrow, me and Gene are going to get this ball rolling. 

 



 

I'm also back to eating LOTS of yogurt, almonds, protein shakes, and lean meat.  I am just trying. Some days are easy and some days are a struggle.  Last week I had a massive emotional breakdown to Ben because I felt so alone, like I had no one who TRULY understood what I was going through on a day-by-day, hour-by-hour basis.  So we are going to start attending the monthly support group meetings.  I had totally forgotten that they have those, probably because I didn't think I would need them.  Turns out, a little support would probably go a long way.

 

This is still the biggest blessing in my life.  I am really looking forward to the personal trainer and seeing how much my body changes in the next three months.  I gotta drop that fat, because it's so not hot.

 

 

 

SW:  311

CW:  256

-55 lbs



the dreaded progress photo.

So when I started this blog, I wanted to be real.  I don't know what's worse, telling people your weight or showing people what you looked like at your worst.  Regardless, here are my progress pictures so far.

The left is the day after I came home from the hospital, so 3 days post op.  

The one on the right was last night.  

Here's to being real.