The days leading up to surgery were indescribable. I was feeling so many emotions- anxious, nervous, hesitant, curious, scared, hopeful, and ready. I kept telling myself I was ready to do this, ready to change. I had mentally prepared myself for all of the changes I had to make, but something inside me still couldn't believe I was actually going to have this surgery.
I got my surgery date five days before surgery and had to immediately go on a liquid diet. Sugar free popsicles, tomato soup, sugar free jello/pudding, etc... I was supposed to do it for 14 days, but since I needed to have my surgery in August (for work purposes), they said five days would be fine. I was weak and irritable by the time the week was over. I'm pretty sure I yelled at a Best Buy employee and embarrassed Ben, but I couldn't help it. I WAS HUNGRY.
My surgery was scheduled for Monday, so on Sunday I had to do clear liquids only: broth, popsicles, tea, water, etc... At 5:00 I also had to mix a bottle of Miralax with Gatorade and drink it to do the dreaded bowel cleanse. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Since I had been on liquids for the past several days, there wasn't really that much left in my system. So I ran to the bathroom for several hours, letting out little by little, and finally was able to go to sleep.
Monday morning, Ben and I woke up at 4:00 am to get ready to go to the hospital. I had to shower with the special pre-surgery antibiotic soap before we left and finish packing my bags for the two nights I would have to stay. The car ride to the hospital was scary. It was still pitch black outside and I started to feel panicky. Ben did his best to console me, but I was so nervous. More nervous than I'd ever been in my entire life. This was my first surgery in my entire life. I was scared to death.
We finally got to the hospital, I paid my deductible and went into get registered for surgery. Ben waited in the waiting room for his mom and my parents to arrive. Ben's mom arrived before my parents and came in to see me just as the nurse was done taking my vitals and telling me everything they were going to do. I was trying so hard not to become emotional. The nurse kept saying to me, "I just want you to know that we will take great care of you and give you the best care possible." By the third time she said it, right as Martha walked in, I started crying. And as soon as I saw Martha, I started crying even harder. All of the emotion I had held in about the surgery came pouring out. Martha prayed over me, just as my parents and Ben had done the night before, and I knew that I was truly in God's hands.
My parents came in next and I started to cry again. I hated myself for crying in front of them, because I knew the more I seemed scared, the more they would worry. I said my "see you laters" to my parents, Martha and Ben and was taken to the holding area. The only way I know how to describe how I felt in the holding area was shock. I kept staring at everything, emotionless, reminding myself that they do this all the time. It seemed like eternity until someone came to start my IV's and even longer until the doctor came by. He was perky and in a good mood, which made me feel good. They started my IV and I was left alone again for a while. I noticed this painting above the nurses station that said, "Some Must Watch While Others Sleep." I looked to my right and there it was again on the wall, this time with paintings of angels around it. And again on the left wall, with more angels. I have never felt more comforted by God than when I saw that quote. That's when I knew, God has me and everything is going to be fine.
The nurse anesthetist came and gave me a little push of Versed into my IV to relax me. I'm sure it did relax me a little bit, but I did NOT feel relaxed. It must have worked because I don't really remember being pushed to the operating room. I remember suddenly being there and the CRNA telling me to "scoot" from the rolling bed to the OR table. The OR was like nothing I'd ever seen: bright white and super clean. Once I got on the OR table, the nurse said she was going to put a pillow under my head. And that it wouldn't feel comfortable but that's how it needed to be.
The last thing I remember is saying, "I'm about to have a panic attack, I'm about to have a panic attack, I'm about to have a pa..."
And what seemed like just a few minutes later, I was waking up.
Surgery is such a scary thing. I have only had one real surgery before and, it was a completely different circumstance that yours, but I was scared to death. It's just putting so much trust in other people and that everything will work out correctly. I am glad you made it through everything and are doing so good!
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