an emotional post.

February 17, 2014

I had every intention of writing a post that was all about my measurements and the difference from November to now.  But I'm feeling a little upside down tonight.

I only have three visits left with Gene The Personal Trainer.  And to be honest, I'm terrified of working out without him.  I don't know what I'm doing, what I will do, what I should do, etc... And I'm scared to death to try.

I know I have two choices:  do it without him and prove to myself that I can, because let's face it, I can't pay for a personal trainer for the rest of my life.  Or do it without him and be a failure.  And let me tell you:  the moment they wheeled me into surgery, failing at losing weight was no longer an option.

I'm down to 224.0 from 311.0- that's 87 pounds- and somehow, I can't see how remarkable that is.  I don't know why...  Like, I know it is, but I can't convince myself that it really is remarkable.  Does that even make sense?

I looked in the mirror last night and just saw fat.  Fat Meighan.  Same ol' fat Meighan.  For some reason, I can't ever picture what I would look like skinny.  My mind will physically not let me see that picture in my head.  In my mind, I always have been and always will be fat.  This is not a pity party by any means, so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.

IT'S.JUST.HARD.  Going through surgery was hard.  Going back to work was hard.  Beginning with Gene at the gym was hard.  Working out is still hard.  Running is really hard.  No one said it was going to be easy, and I know that.  I took on the challenge and I'm still ready to work for it.  But sometimes, it's just really overwhelming and hard.

I want to say a huge, giant, ginormous THANK YOU to everyone who always comments on these posts and on my FB and Twitter.  It means so much more to me than you will ever know and always gives me that little extra bit of motivation I need.  But for tonight, comments are disabled.

I think I need to take some time and realize how great I am on my own...