sizes go down, confidence goes up.

photo credit @rae2205

There were so many things I was ashamed of before surgery.  How much I would eat in private- hell, how much I would eat in public!  How much I weighed was a secret.  I would never, ever, eeevvvveeeeerrrr tell anyone my weight.  My mom didn't know, my best friend didn't know and Ben didn't know.  I was going to take that number to my grave.

At work I have to wear scrubs and mine have become huge on me.  Like, hanging off my body in a very unattractive manner huge.  Scrubs are pretty pricey, so I waited as long as possible to buy new ones.  (We get a uniform allowance at work so that helps, but still.  It's call procrastination, people.)  So tonight I headed down to the uniform store and gathered up a bunch of scrubs to try on.  Just to give you an idea of my size before surgery:  I was wearing a 3XL in scrub tops and bottoms and they were starting to get snug.  I KNOW.  Again, another piece of information I would've taken straight to the grave.  So tonight I only grabbed size XL in both pants and tops.  I literally can't tell you the last time I wore an XL in scrubs and I've been working for doctors since I was 20.  I took my huge arm full of clothes to the dressing room and put on the first pair of scrubs.  I was once again rendered speechless when they fit like a glove!  I was so happy!  I kept looking in the mirror, sitting in the chair to see how they felt sitting down, raising my arms above my head, etc... to try and decipher if they were too tight on me.  So I tried on pair after pair and each time I felt comfortable and like they looked good.  They may fit just right, but I'm only going to get smaller.  So I took my four pants and four shirts- all size XL- and checked out with pride.

Everything that I was ashamed of before is now my own personal inspiration.  

I was 311 pounds. I don't ever want to be 311 pounds ever again.  

I currently weigh 234.5, which is more than both of the men I work with.  

I even told my co-workers my weight and that I wanted to be in the 100-something by the time I went wedding dress shopping.  

I didn't feel ashamed.  I didn't feel judged.  

I felt confident.  

Even in my huge, baggy pants.