time for a little honesty.

"pain breeds strength, trust your struggle."

I hate to admit this, but I got that quote from Iggy Azalea.  Yes, the rapper chick with a filthy mouth.  For some reason, I'm obsessed with her.  Like, she's white.  And from Australia.  But she's a hard rapper chick who's "into murder bidnas."  I don't know, I just love her.  I watched an interview online last night where she was talking about her struggles and getting a record deal.  I can assure you, I am never going to get a record deal, even if they had a record company who was solely interested in the loudest, most obnoxious car singers.  Not even then, people.  But lately, my life has been like that picture up there.  

Struggling through a foggy staircase just trying to reach the top... 

the light at the end of the tunnel, if you will.  

I don't want this blog to turn into a place for me to come and rant/complain/whine/be stressed about things happening in my life.  I've expressed how busy life is right now.  It truly is the busiest time ever for me.

But the main reason I'm here today is to be honest.  I started this blog to keep myself accountable with my weight loss after surgery, and to talk about my surgery and my journey.  I feel like I've gotten away from that a little bit and I want to take it back to where it all began.

I've lost 100 pounds.  I'm so proud of that.  But lately, I haven't been doing do well with eating and going to the gym.  I'm still eating semi-ok, but as we all know, semi means just half.  So half of the time I'm not eating right.  Let's just be clear... I'm not eating terrible food.  Just food I still shouldn't have after surgery, like bread.  And chips.  We've been eating a lot of Subway lately and I just couldn't bring myself to have their salad anymore, so I decided to start having the sandwiches.  CARBS people.  Carbs are the devil.  In real life and especially in my situation as a gastric bypass patient.

Like, what have I been thinking?  My body has become more comfortable with eating a wider variety of foods, and I just took full advantage of the fact that I probably wouldn't get dumping syndrome from the bread anymore.  

I don't think it's a big secret that I've struggled my entire life with self control and keeping myself accountable.  How else in this world could I have gotten up to 300+ pounds?  I've posted signs up at my desk, on my wall calendar, on our fridge and on my phone, to remind me to eat right and make good decisions.  When life gets busy, it's incredibly easy to forget what you're doing and more importantly, why you're doing it.  Yes, I've lost 100 pounds, but there is still more to lose, more to tone, more to tighten, more to gain, and more to learn.  I don't meal plan, which needs to change.  I forget more often than not that my stomach is tiny and I eat too fast.  I even forget sometimes that I'm getting married and have ordered this amazingly beautiful gown that I want and need to look amazing in.  It's just so easy.

So I am working on it.  I am being honest and telling you all, my friends and even some people I may not know, that I haven't been doing so well.  But I'm trying and I'm getting back on the wagon as of yesterday.  (A mini emotional breakdown will sometimes throw you back into reality, in case you didn't already know.)  I started this blog for a very specific reason-  to be open and honest about every aspect of my journey;  the good, the bad and the ugly.  So that's what I'm going to keep doing.

As always, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support, words of encouragement, and just overall awesomeness.  All my love, always.