not a size 10 or a size 4, but I did get new tennis shoes...

• Polar Watch $57.99 Best Buy (I didn't like the pink one, so I just got the one "for men."  I honestly didn't see a difference and this one was about $30 cheaper.)
• Nike Flyknight Lunar1+ Turquoise $160.00 Dick's Sporting Goods (purchased from Lady Foot Locker)
• Workout Tanks $16.99/each Old Navy (I bought those two in the store and then bought two others from the website)
• Sports Bras $10/each Old Navy
• "Pardon My French" tee $14 on clearance Lane Bryant (super cute and comfy for working out!)

So I got my tax return back on Friday and needless to say, I went a little crazy buying new workout gear.  I am officially that girl who is obsessed with workout clothing.  Which, I guess there could be worse things to be obsessed over, right?

Let me rewind a little.  I went Saturday morning with my cousins and maid of honor to let them pick out their bridesmaid dresses.  I just so happened to ask the bridal shop owner about the sizes of their dresses, explaining that I had gone through weight loss surgery and wasn't sure what "size" I was.  She said that their dresses are around a size 10.  Ok, well that didn't sound so bad.  I know I'm not a size 10 by any means, but I still felt good about the prospect of trying dresses on.  UNTIL SHE SAID:  "A size 10 in a wedding dress is really a size 4 in normal sizes."

uuuhhhhmmmmm

[insert major panic attack here]

I'm serious.  I had a major, massive panic attack all the way back to my cousin's house, which is a significantly long drive from the bridal boutique.  A SIZE 4?!  I mean honestly... I've come a long way, but that's a little ridiculous.  I just can't even.  So that's when I decided that more workout gear, new tennis shoes and a polar watch were in order to really step up my game.  I also panicked a little when she said it takes about 5 months to order the gowns and get them in.  And with the unavoidable aspect of having mine altered, I needed to have my dress ordered like, 3 weeks ago.  So I'm really, really panicking.

How am I supposed to know if I like a dress if I can't fit into the damn thing?  It's a crazy feeling that I'm feeling right now.  I'm going to spend my lunch break tomorrow calling local bridal shops and making appointments for my mom and maid of honor to get going on dress shopping.

I did take a picture in my workout gear, and I feel like I'm losing more inches and gaining more muscle than losing pounds at this point, so here is the latest comparison picture.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

get over it and do some Zumba.

So my last post was all "wah wah wah" and I'd like to report that I'm feeling much better.  This week has been a good week.  I was feeling emotional early this week, yes, because I was (and still sort of am) scared of what my life will be like without Gene The Personal Trainer.  But I can't have him forever.  I can't afford that kind of expense-  especially with the wedding and school tuition.  So I'm going to do what any big girl would do and get over it.

I did two classes at the gym this week, which really boosted my confidence.  The first one I did was Zumba.  The idea of Zumba is not new to me:  I know what the class entails, I know what to expect and I know I have enough rhythm to get me through the class.  Last time I did Zumba, I was so overweight that I barely made it through the entire class and felt like I was dying the whole time.  My knee was already somewhat injured from an old injury, and after the class the pain was almost unbearable.  This go round with Zumba was totally different and extremely refreshing.  I felt good, I felt ready and the instructor was pretty awesome.  I danced and moved and jumped and sweated my butt off.  Long story short, I felt amazing.  I went through the whole class and felt energized.  I didn't feel like I was going to die.  My knee didn't hurt.  I didn't even have to step out to get water.  It was exactly what I needed to snap out of my emotional-can-I-do-this-alone mood and snap into I-can-do-anything mode.  It was a high that I hadn't felt in a long time.

 [
this video is 55 min, but just to get an idea of what my class was like]

The second class I did last night and it was called BodyFlow.  It was a mix of tai-chi, yoga and pilates.  It was difficult, because you move your muscles a certain way and stretch different ways and work on your breathing techniques, but I can definitely feel the soreness today.  Moving my body in a way that I never have before made me feel even more confident in what I can do and what my body can do.  It was challenging and relaxing all at the same time.  And the best part was the end:  10 full minutes of meditation.  Do I look like I've ever meditated before?  Uh, no.  But this was amazing.  I laid on my back and, as the instructor said, let gravity take control of my body and breathing.  And as weird as it sounds (to me, anyway) it totally worked.  I found myself extremely relaxed and in a different state, but I wasn't asleep.  It was pretty awesome.

[this video is just a minute or so, but it's the exact same thing I did last night]

Needless to say, I will definitely be doing both classes again.  I am going to figure out how to train on my own, I'm going to take these classes, and I'm going to keep pushing.  I can't quit now... I'm just getting started.

SW:  311

CW:  222.5

-88.5 lbs

an emotional post.

I had every intention of writing a post that was all about my measurements and the difference from November to now.  But I'm feeling a little upside down tonight.

I only have three visits left with Gene The Personal Trainer.  And to be honest, I'm terrified of working out without him.  I don't know what I'm doing, what I will do, what I should do, etc... And I'm scared to death to try.

I know I have two choices:  do it without him and prove to myself that I can, because let's face it, I can't pay for a personal trainer for the rest of my life.  Or do it without him and be a failure.  And let me tell you:  the moment they wheeled me into surgery, failing at losing weight was no longer an option.

I'm down to 224.0 from 311.0- that's 87 pounds- and somehow, I can't see how remarkable that is.  I don't know why...  Like, I know it is, but I can't convince myself that it really is remarkable.  Does that even make sense?

I looked in the mirror last night and just saw fat.  Fat Meighan.  Same ol' fat Meighan.  For some reason, I can't ever picture what I would look like skinny.  My mind will physically not let me see that picture in my head.  In my mind, I always have been and always will be fat.  This is not a pity party by any means, so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.

IT'S.JUST.HARD.  Going through surgery was hard.  Going back to work was hard.  Beginning with Gene at the gym was hard.  Working out is still hard.  Running is really hard.  No one said it was going to be easy, and I know that.  I took on the challenge and I'm still ready to work for it.  But sometimes, it's just really overwhelming and hard.

I want to say a huge, giant, ginormous THANK YOU to everyone who always comments on these posts and on my FB and Twitter.  It means so much more to me than you will ever know and always gives me that little extra bit of motivation I need.  But for tonight, comments are disabled.

I think I need to take some time and realize how great I am on my own...

the four before.

Before I had this weight loss blog, I had a lifestyle blog.

I never really found my "voice" with my writing and didn't have any special talents (fashion, cooking, etc...) to write about.  So I transitioned after surgery over to this blog and really love writing about my experiences.  

Something made me take a trip down memory lane a few days ago and read through my old posts.  

I had forgotten how much I wrote about surgery before I decided to start this blog.  

So I thought I would share with you all the last four posts I wrote in Heavens to Meighan regarding surgery.  

The post "Reasons" is my favorite.  It's nice to be reminded of why I am doing this.

Enjoy!

August 15, 2013

Six Things

Yesterday I spent all day- literally- all day at the hospital.  I had a 4+ hour nutrition class about what I can/can't eat after surgery.  Then I had pre-op blood work, EKG, etc... Then I had my pre-op appointment with the surgeon.  I got there around 7:15 and left around 4:30.

EXHAUSTED was an understatement last night.  I don't even remember going to bed!  The last thing I remember is laying on the couch with Ben and after that I have no clue.  Weird.

Also, my surgery was scheduled for 8/22, but due to some mix-up with the operating room doctor designated hours, they had to change it.  So I am going into surgery on Monday.

Like, this monday.  It got crazy so fast.  I have so much to do to be prepared.

Including the dreaded night before bowel prep.  Don't even get me started on why they make you poop your guts out the night before a major surgery.  Like, my nerves are already bad enough and now you want me to spend the night stinking up the house and repeatedly wiping my ass?  No bueno. 

So-  that is the latest update.  Before surgery I will be sure and post a full body before shot.  God, that is my nightmare.  But if I'm going to talk about it, then I may as well share everything.

Lastly, Miss Allie Bug from Tales of a Twenty Something picked me for her kickball team!  Whoop whoop!  Ok not really, but she did tag me to do this fun little "about me" post.  So here we go!

SIX THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME

#1.  What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you?  Definitely something my mom said to me about 4 years ago.  Probably the most simple piece of advice ever, but it had the biggest impact on me:  "just enjoy your life."  I would worry, have terrible anxiety and panic attacks.  When my mom told me that, those four little words put everything into perspective.  Just another reason why I adore my mother.

#2.  If you could meet any blogger in person, who would you choose?  Ooooh, that's a toughie.  I've already met Catherine and she's amazing.  I would love to meet Allie Bug, duh!  And Chels from Red Velvet Rooster.  She's so sweet and we have a lot in common.

#3.  What's your biggest struggle in life?  Aside from the obvious (my weight), I would say my excessive worrying and anxiety.  I also have panic attacks as well, which SUCK.  I do take medicine for these things, but sometimes my body goes in it's own path and I just have an anxious day.  Luckily, those days are becoming more and more sparse.  

#4.  What's something you love about yourself?  Well, if you just want me to be bragadocious... lol.  I'm definitely a giver.  I always want to do things for other people to make them happy.  And my sense of humor isn't too bad either.

#5.  Favorite thing to do in your spare time?  Spare time?!  What's that?  Haha.  I do love a good snuggle on the couch with a reality TV marathon.  I love to sit down with a good book and just read for hours.  It sounds crazy, but my hobbies really change with the season.  Hanging by the pool, BBQing, picnics, old movie marathons by the fireplace, football games (HS, College & NFL), etc... and I have a feeling after my surgery shopping will be added to that list somewhere.  ;)

#6.  Who inspires you?  So many people.  My parents, of course.  They've been married 35 years and still love each other so much.  God knows it hasn't been an easy road, but they are truly amazing.  My fiance inspires me to be a better person each day.  He works so hard and asks for very little in return.  And of course I find myself inspired by strangers or random people on a daily basis.

August 16, 2013

Reasons

Coming to work today felt crazy.  Like it was my last day here forever.

That may sound ominous, but I've been known to get crazy feelings before.

 

Wednesday, when I went to the nutritionist class, they suggested all sorts of things to keep me on track after surgery.

For example, keeping your biggest pair of pants.

Well lemme tell ya, mine are pretty big... I won't be getting rid of those bad boys for a while.

Once I start to lose weight after surgery, I never want to forget how I felt as a fat person.

 

Another suggestion they made was to make a list of every.single.reason. why I'm having surgery. 
Even down to the smallest things. 
So, I thought what better place to have that permanently recorded than this blog.

(not in order of importance obviously, my mind is currently jumbled with way too many thoughts.)

 

 

1.  We went to the Braves game with Ben's parents.  I wore a cute summer dress and fixed my hair, but all confidence went down the drain when I could barely (with fat flowing over) fit into the stadium seats.  Embarassing and uncomfortable.  I NEVER want to have that problem again.

 

2.  Asking someone to take our picture BUT ONLY FROM THE SHOULDERS UP PLEASE!!!!

 

 

3.  My health.  Definitely and most importantly my health.  I want to be a mom and I want to get pregnant soon without the worry of complications from obesity.

 

4.  To sit indian style on the floor.  Or really just sit on the floor without being awkward and uncomfortable.

 

5.  So my knees don't hurt anymore.  When I fell at work several months ago, I injured my knee and having so much weight on it everyday makes the pain worse and worse everyday.  I never want to feel my joints ache because of the heaviness of my body.  I want to feel them ache because I went way too hard during Zumba class, or pushed myself to run the extra mile.

 

6.  Nike running shorts.  Through the high school/college years, everyone wore Nike running shorts.  The cute, bright designs with a long tee shirt and some tennis shoes.  Simple.  Never, in my entire life that I can remember, since the discovery of Nike running shorts, have I ever been able to fit into a pair.  Hell, I may hate them once I put them on.  But one of my goals is to fit into some damn Nike running shorts.  And eventually go running in them.

 

and monogrammed?!  shut your mouth.



 

7.  Roller coasters.  It's not rocket science that bigger people don't do roller coasters.  No one can enjoy being on a roller coaster when their seat barely locked and is stabbing their fat in the most uncomfortable places.  No one likes being at Six Flags and having the roller coaster attendant push super hard to make sure my seat locked.  P.S. that just seems frickin dangerous.

 

8. Booths at restaurants.  I guess I should've made a general category of "I'm too big to fit into these places" but really, I need to be reminded.  California Pizza Kitchen, Waffle House, Newks, etc... any place with a booth.  I always think to myself, God that booth looks small.  Except really I'm just that big.  It's not fun squeezing in and out of them and it's especially embarrassing when your fiancé has to help you.  I never want to feel that way again.

 

9.  My future kids.  I want to play with them.  Not sit on the couch and watch them play.  My mom used to get in the floor with me and play Barbies for hours, but at my weight now I probably couldn't sit and play with them for 20 minutes.  I want to push them on a swing.  I want to sit in the stands at the ballpark with the other parents and really be into whatever they are doing.  Am I saying overweight parents don't do this?  No.  I'm just saying it would be hard for me to do.  I want to be one of those moms pushing the jogging stroller.  Every time I drive by one of them, I'm always thinkinggood for you lady, you're doing it right.  I want to be a great mom, an active mom, a healthy mom and a fun mom.  And being tired from being fat isn't the definition of any of those.

 

10.  Ben.  The man I love more than anything in this world.  Who every time I think about him, my stomach flutters because I'm so lucky to love and have love in return.  He's loved me at my heaviest and he's going to continue to love me at my skinniest.  I know I will be a better wife, with more energy for house work, yard work, and fun stuff that we want to do.  I remember being in Panama City Beach and Ben wanting to ride a virtual reality ride near the beach.  I lied and told him it would make me sick, so we didn't do it.  The truth was that there was a weight limit posted on the outside of the ride and I was terrified they wouldn't let me in or ask me my weight.  So we just kept walking.

 

11.  Clothes.  Duh.  Who doesn't want to feel good and look good in clothes?  I hate having to pull my shirt down in the back when I'm sitting down because my fat ass pushes it up.  Or make sure that some fabric hasn't gotten stuck in between my boobs and my belly.  Or that my belly isn't hanging slap out of the bottom of my shirt.  And don't even get me started on pants.  NONE OF THEM FIT.  I can't even really buy jeans from Lane Bryant because they don't fit right and they simply don't look cute.  I literally couldn't tell you the last time I wore jeans.  I know for a fact I haven't worn them at all in 2013.

 

12.  TO BE HAPPY.  To not worry that people are looking at me, thinking that I'm way too big to be wearing a certain dress or skirt or shirt or shoes.

 

 

more to come.

I am still going to post a before picture, I just have to get Ben to take one.

Let me tell you I DREAD IT.

And thank you for all of your continued support.

it means more than you know.

August 18, 2013

yesterday && tomorrow

Well.  

Today is my last normal day at home before surgery.  

And it will only be normal until about 5:00 when I have to take a whole bottle of Miralax and start pooping all night.
The old dreaded bowel prep.  God help me.

Yesterday wasn't such a great day.  I was hungry.  I was so extremely irritable.

Ben has been desperately trying to find a Google ChromeCast and every store we go to is always sold out.

So apparently, as Ben recollects, I was "loud and sounded super angry" when talking to the guy about the sold out status.
Honestly, I don't think I even realized what was happening in the moment.

I think people call that hunger amnesia.  Totally an official medical diagnosis, in case you were wondering.

exactly.

I also got $200 worth of post surgery groceries.  Mostly included soup, beans, peas, other veggies that can be cooked into "mushy food," jello, pudding, melba toast, protein shakes, water, etc... It sounds awful, but my stomach will be so small that I won't be able to eat much anyway.  I think the one thing I'm looking forward to the most is scrambled eggs.  It is the most "normal" food out of everything I can eat.

Today I am trying to get the house in order, the laundry done and my bag packed for surgery.
They told me to buy a robe, slippers, and bring pajamas for two nights at the hospital.

So what did I do?

I bought fuzzy flip flop slippers, a flamingo patterned robe, cheetah print pajama pants (Lord they are so soft!), a lace PJ top and a super soft nightgown.  I mean, I may as well look cute if I'm going to feel like hell, right?
Exactly.

I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 and surgery will probably start around 7:30.
I will be in recovery for 1-2 hours and will be out of it for most of the afternoon.
I'm nervous and excited and anxious to start my new journey!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!
I will be sure and update you all as soon as possible after surgery.
You can follow me on Twitter:  @themeighanb
That will be the easiest way for me to update everyone.

Love you all!  See you on the flip side!

August 21, 2013

whoa, that was rough.

The last two days have been a total blur. I'm not real sure I'm 100% with it today either, but oh well. 

I remember going into the OR and then what seemed like 3 minutes later being in recovery saying "ow ow" over and over again from the pain. They kept me pretty doped up that first day and night. 

I remember my parents, grandparents, Ben and his mom being there all to support me, which was lovely. 

I had a drain in until this morning, draining my wound. Let me tell you, that was not my idea of fun. Most of my pain came from that, and when they pulled it out it felt like they were pulling my guts out along with it. (TMI? sorry.)

I also couldn't pee after surgery from anesthesia so they had to re-catheterize me to empty my bladder. There is nothing like a nurse being ALL UP IN your lady business first thing in the morning. Not super pleasant, but I'm sure they've seen worse. 

Now I'm home and working on walking as much as possible and drinking as much as I can. They had to fill me up with gas so I'm trying to walk all of that out of my body. Also trying not to develop any blood clots. 

I'm just so happy to be home. I know this is all a rambled, jumbled mess but I lived to tell about it regardless. 

Love you all LOTS. 

Thanks for the support!

knowing the difference.

Lately, I've been fluctuating up and down with the same 3 pounds.  And it is REALLY freaking frustrating.  I'm still working with Gene The Personal Trainer, so I'm sure I'm losing inches and gaining muscle, but still.  GO DOWN SCALE.  GO DOWN.  Right now I think I'm at 226.  But I don't know because I didn't weigh myself this morning.  So I could be back up 3 pounds.  Again.  Did I mention this is all super frustrating?

Just to be quite frank, this whole "muscle weighs more than fat" thing pisses me off.  I know it's better that way, and muscle is good and fat is bad, blah blah blah.  But for some reason, I can't stop focusing on the number on the scale!  226 is not my goal weight, people.  So I need that thing to start moving.

Ok, now for a little honesty on my part.  I haven't been doing so well with the food aspect of my journey.  I've figured out that my body is becoming more tolerant to all the things I'm not supposed to have.  Like bread.  Cake.  Sweets.  Potatoes.  And how do I know my body can tolerate them?  Because I've been eating them!  No wonder those 3 pounds keep coming back, right?  The biggest part of this weight loss journey, especially with surgery, is knowing the difference.  The reason they tell you to eat so much protein and very little carbs is because that is how your body works the best with surgery and helps you lose the weight.  I'm almost six months out from surgery and life is becoming "normal" again.  I can go out with friends, eat a much wider variety of things, and even have a glass of wine.  But I have to know that these are things I shouldn't do.  They delay my weight loss and that was not the purpose of having the surgery.  I knew there were going to be a lot of life-long changes I would have to make, so now the biggest (and sometimes hardest) thing to do is stick to them.

I'm not giving up.  There will be bumps in the road along the way, I know that.  But I'm not quitting, ever.  Because my goal is to be healthy and happy.  For my future husband.  My future kids.  And most importantly, for me.